There are times when I’m scared of what I want. Sometimes, I just want to sit and paint my heart out. Every feeling rolled in every fold of my muscles; I just want to draw everything. The smiles people have, those miniseries I’m always working on in my head, the feeling of rolling my eyes, sarcasm in its true form, tears of happiness or sad or the ones that make you choke, hugs and their warmth, the feeling of falling in love… just everything.
While I’m busy living a life where I can sometime in the future allot myself enough free time for all this, I’m just so scared that…what if I lose it by then? What if I don’t have this kind of vision for things then? What if I’m a different person then and forget to honor my old feelings? Like those times when we hate some food as kids and later on in our lives start loving it instead…as if we just forget what we hated about it in the first place. What if the same thing happens with our feelings, but with a reverse perspective…what if we forget the ‘good’ feeling and replace it with a bad one?
What if we never get the chance of capturing that once-so-beautiful-moment, the moment that we can’t even feel anymore? How can we, fully aware of this feeling now, let it pass so easily?
And then there is a possibility that we create what we want and spend away our life recreating a really bad version of a good dream; being able to store no happiness in it…just lost scraps of nothing. And then we wake up and find ourselves in a storm, having wasted our entire life on nothing, regretting that we could never achieve all the things we had dreamed of.
There is yet another scenario, of us creating our true feelings and also being able to concentrate on the present…but we all know how idealistic it is.
So, instead of doing all of this, we let that moment pass, the moment for which we were once willing to give our life away, because we satisfy ourselves with the vision of us being able to give in to such craving in later years of our lives, when no one would say that we didn’t try to achieve what we wanted to in our lives, that we didn’t try our hands at giving ourselves a better living. We assume that later on it would be just some long forgotten hobby which we can dust off from those old cupboards and start working on them again as if nothing happened. We fool ourselves in believing that we are still the same, that those feeling never left us…while in reality, they were lost the very moment we locked them in that cupboard.